04/18/2026
Miss Debbie,
How could you.
We were minding our own business, trying to prepare for a respectable hot boy summer, mentally, spiritually, and physically, getting ready to dawn a our brand new cheerwine colored speedo all along the sandy, sunscreen slicked beaches of North Carolina.
And then you went and did this.
You took one of the most sacred, sit down, don’t rush it, needs a spoon and a moment Southern desserts and turned it into something a grown man can carry in his pocket like loose change and a receipt he don’t need but refuses to throw away.
A banana puddin’ cream pie.
Portable.
Miss Debbie… now be honest with us.
Who told you we needed this kind of access.
We used to have to earn banana pudding. That was a Sunday afternoon, pants unbuttoned, don’t call me for nothing type of dessert. You sat down. You respected it. You let it talk to you a little bit.
Now?
I got banana pudding in my pocket right now.
Right now.
Walking around like I ain’t got a full dessert next to my car keys and a piece of lint that’s been in there since 2007.
Like I won’t pull this thing out in the middle of Dollar General and eat it with the focus of a man filing taxes.
You done turned banana pudding into something you can eat while standing up in line, arguing with a machine that don’t take cash.
This ain’t right.
We were supposed to be out here living right this summer. Beach ready. Light on our feet. Maybe drinking water, minding our business, making at least one decent decision a week.
But no.
Now we out here with pudding in our pockets like it’s a personality trait.
No spoon. No shame. Just vibes and poor decisions.
And the worst part?
You know good and well we ain’t gonna stop.
Respectfully but also not at all,
North Carolina