07/28/2022
Today, my daughter faked happiness for someone until she was alone with me, and then she fell apart.
I was surprised. She had seemed happy, 3 minutes before.
When I asked why she hadn't told her summer camp counselor that she was having a hard time, she told me that she didn't want to be rude by expressing frustration, sadness, or anger.
Whoa! Why couldn't she express her true feelings?!
Her response: "It is RUDE to show those feelings. I am a polite person. "
Nope! I had to stop her right there.
I asked if she could name a time when anger was a useful emotion.
Without hesitation, she said "When people were marching for Black Lives Matter."
Awesome.
"Okay, so when was a time that you were sad and it was a GOOD thing to express sadness."
She sat for a couple of minutes. "I was sad when our cat died because I loved him."
"Absolutely. Okay, so when could frustration be helpful?"
She didn't pause for long. "My brother got so annoyed that he couldn't catch me in tag, last year, that he finally figured out how to go down the fireman pole, at the park, so he could get me."
"Wonderful! So sometimes anger, sadness, and frustration are good things! That means they are not rude or bad emotions. They are just emotions.
Everyone feels sadness and happiness, anger and pride, frustration and joy, fear and love.
There is no such thing as a BAD emotion. Emotions help us react to things so we can figure out how to embrace them or change them.
It sounds like you needed some things to change, today. Let's think about it a while, and tomorrow we can tell your counselor what needs to go differently, so you can express your feelings."
It was AMAZING to see how quickly my child decompressed once I honored her feelings and gave her permission to express them.
She vented for all of 90 seconds and then spent 6 minutes being positive, and within 10 minutes was laughing and being silly.
Kids need adults to help them learn emotional competence... and that is okay.
